Farewell Filipinas, for now...

Uf, I get a nod in my stomach just from writing the title. It has been two weeks since I left the Philippines and I haven’t found the time or the energy to say goodbye. At least good bye for now. The scar of the jellyfish is still fresh on my foot. I close my eyes and see my friends, the people I grew to love. I smell the rain, the dust, and the pollution in Manila. I even smell the fear, the anger, and the indifference.

Despite my initial worries, my initial writings, the Philippines, Manila, ended up embracing, touching me. I have been touched by people who have looked after me, who have disliked me, who have mistrusted me, who have admired me, who have let me down, who have loved me. All in the same piece and in thousands more. The Philippines has helped me get closer to learning to search the truth, and at the same time it has taught me that the truth is never simple, that movements are never finished, that people are never perfect, that heroes also cry, fear, hate, and fail. The Philippines, by showing me its beauty and its misery, its color and its brightness, has taught me that I also do carry all those things, that I can take my dreams seriously, that I don’t need to look at history from outside. No one does. We belong here.

One day I allowed myself to get lost in one of the million streets of Manila’s heart. Where friendship saves lives and witnesses death. Where commitment is forever. Where so many things go unsaid but so many others get done. Where people are stupid, and weird, and crazy, but at the same time loyal, intentional, and persistent. Islas Filipinas. Her islands, her assassins, her fighters, her fruits, her vehicles, her noises, her history, her crosses, her greyness still surround me. And they whisper, they whisper words that I can’t possibly understand but that make me smile, that make me cry, that make me feel alive. You taught me that there's only one path, kasama, and I continue to hear those words every morning.

I have been touched and I have touched deeply. I have been loved and I have loved back. I have been unfair and deceived. I have been inspired. And here I am, alone with my inspiration, without the comfort and nurture of those who held my hands in the islands. Those who thought me strong but didn’t know that my strength came from them. It is now that I face the opportunity and/or the hard task of turning my inspiration into something that can be sustained in the long term. It is now when I get closer to taking stands that will stay with me, with us, with them. It is now when it is not important anymore to be able to say the last word but rather to start a new sentence, a new thought, a new dream. Hundreds of them.

I accept that I need to do all this without you but, please, don’t fade away. So many people and places did that already, don’t follow them. Don’t fade away because doing so is forgetting and being forgotten. And lack of memory equals death. Stay by my side even in the distance, and help me tell my people who you are. Help us face our denial and learn from your mistakes and your successes.

Leaving some pictures from the past few months, I say goodbye for now. It is time to get the pieces together and start thinking about the next page. In peace, love, and solidarity, yours always.

Bueno, pues aquí se acaba. Tras más de dos meses de comunicarme con vosotros desde aquí, cierro este blog. Filipinas aún está fresquísimo en la memoria, pero algo me dice que el blog se acaba con mi viaje, y que siempre puedo empezar a inventar nuevas excusas para reuniros a todos por estos parajes.

Este viaje ha sido sin duda uno de los mejores de mi vida, y siento que me ha cambiado en muchos sentidos. No obstante, durante el tiempo que estuve en Manila también hubo muchos momentos de soledad, de miedo, de incertidumbre y de tristeza. Y aunque antes de irme no lo había imaginado así, escribir en este blog, hablar con vosotros y compartir un trocito de lo que estaba pasando, a menudo me mantuvo cuerda y tranquila. Escribir en él fue una manera de romper mi aislamiento y sentirme conectada a la gente que me importa.

Una nunca puede evitar crecer durante un viaje. Puedes elegir la medida del crecimiento, que depende de lo abierta que estés a ser cambiada por lo que te rodea, a ser tocada, pero no puedes evitar crecer. Es el viaje dentro del viaje, o lo que mi amiga Crispula llama el viaje por dentro. Este blog me ha permitido, semana a semana, compartir con vosotros quién soy y en quién me estoy convirtiendo, aunque fuera sólo un poquito. Tambíén me ha permitido dejarlo registrado, patente, para mí misma. Hacer a Filipinas más real y tomarme a mí misma más en serio. Correr el riesgo de pensar que alguien puede disfrutar oyendo lo que yo veo, pienso y siento.

Muchos sabéis que el blog es sólo una pequeña fracción de todo lo que he presenciado durante mis semanas en Manila. No creí que fuera el momento ni el lugar para denunciar las atrocidades e injusticias que están pasando en el país. Sentí que podría ser mucho más eficaz a largo plazo si me guardaba las espaldas, y sobretodo no quería provocarle un infarto a mi madre. Espero poder contároslo algún día en persona, con una cerveza, con un café, o simplemente con tiempo. Si sentís que os gustaría aprender más sobre lo que realmente está pasando en Filipinas, o lo que pasó cuando yo estuve allí, por favor, no dejéis que me lo guarde, recordadme que os lo explique. Porque contra más gente lo sepa mejor, y por otro lado... bueno, yo tampoco quiero olvidarme, que a veces es demasiado fácil cuando una se baja del avión...

Gracias por acompañarme en este viaje, por mirar desde el otro lado de la ventana.

Alright, so it ends here. After more than two months communicating with you from here, I finish this blog. The Philippines is still very fresh in my memory, but I have the feeling that this blog ends with my trip, and that I can always start making up new excuses to get you together again in these blogspaces.

This has been, no doubt, one of my best trips ever, and I feel that it has changed me in many ways. However, during the time that I was in Manila there were also moments of loneliness, fear, uncertainty, and sadness. And even if I had not envisioned it, writing this blog, sharing with you a little piece of what was going on, often kept me sane and calmed. Writing here was a way to break my isolation and feel connected to the people that I care about.

One can never help but growing during a trip. You may be able to choose the extent of the growth, which depends on how open you are to be changed by your surroundings, to be touched. But you cannot avoid growing: It’s the trip within the trip, or what my friend Crispula calls the inner trip. This blog has allowed me, week after week, to share with you who I am and who I am becoming, even if just a little bit. It has also allowed me to register it, to make it visible for myself. To make the Philippines more real and to take myself more seriously. To risk thinking that someone may actually enjoy hearing what I see, think, or feel.

Many of you know that this blog is only a tiny fraction of everything I have witnessed during my weeks in Manila. I did not think that this was the time nor the place to denounce the atrocities and injustice taking place in the country. I felt that I could be more helpful in the long term if I took care of myself, and especially I didn’t want my mom to have a heart attack. I hope I’ll be able to share with you what I learned some day face to face, over beer, over coffee, or simply with a couple of hours ahead of us. If you feel that you’d like to learn more of what is really happening in the Philippines today, or what happened when I was there, please, don’t let me keep it for myself, remind me to tell you. Because the more people know the better and, on the other hand… well, I don’t wanna forget either. In fact it is often too easy to forget once one gets off the plane…

Thanks for walking with me during this trip, for looking from the other side of the window.